


The best of both worlds

by sorcio



Category: Hannah Montana (TV), Red vs. Blue
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, I'm writing this because someone has to, in case you had thought I had reached peak dumbass: hold my beer, unfortunate implications of the child soldier variety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 23:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorcio/pseuds/sorcio
Summary: Miley Stewart is a regular girl who likes regular things such as listening to music and hanging out with friends, but she has a little secret: she has been recruited by Project Freelancer to become the new Agent Montana. No need to say anything else.





	The best of both worlds

It’s a tranquil early morning in Malibu, the waves of the sea are calm, and Miley Stewart’s many bags are arranged in a row on the floor of the main room of her house on the beach. Her father Robby Ray sits on the couch, holding a piece of paper.

“Alright, Miles, let’s go through your checklist again.”

“Ugh!” the girl groans “We already did that twice!”

“Well, third time’s a charm.” he insists “You don’t want me to fly all the way across the galaxy to bring you your stuff in front of your cool super soldier friends, do you?”

“No.” she sighs “Okay, let’s do this again.”

“Passport.”

“Check.”

“Travel insurance documents.”

“Check.”

“School supplies?”

“…Kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“Do I have to bring _all of them_?” Miley protests, trying to convince him with an exaggerated smile “I am but a small girl, I can only bring so much luggage with me!”

“Then you could unpack a few of the sparkly suits Aunt Dolly bought you for the occasion.” He nods solemnly “Pink rhinestones don’t go very well with camouflage.”

“I can use them as underarmour when I go on missions!”

Robby Ray raises an eyebrow.

“…Okay, fine. What’s next on the checklist?”

“Clothes, but we’ve covered that already. Hope you packed extra underwear: it’s always good to have some spares in case of accident, especially if you’re in a giant tin soaring through space, y’know what I’m saying?”

“Yeah…” her expression turns contemplating and then horrified immediately after “CHECK.”

“Hairbrush?”

“Check.”

“Toothbrush?”

“Check.”

“Retainer?”

“Dad…!” Miley’s face flushes red “I’ve worn it for three years now, I don’t need it anymore.”

“That’s right, dad.” Jackson agrees as he walks down the stairs, still in his pjs “Besides, if her teeth get crooked again she can always use them as a weapon!” he jokes, then changes his tone and mimics a walkie talkie with his hand, mockingly doing what he thinks is the best impression of Miley speaking in an overly serious ‘professional voice’ “_Agent Stewart Little of G-Force here, I’ve chewed the wires of this terminal and disabled security, now I’m in. Over._”

A moment of silence follows, Robby Ray sighs.

“Maybe I’m sending the wrong one to space…”

The airport is crowded, and Miley and her family nervously look around waiting for Lilly. She arrives running to her, emitting a high-pitched squeal, followed by Oliver who tries to keep collected.

“Eeep!” Lilly squeezes her best friend in a tight hug “Miley, I still can’t believe that they chose you!”

“I know, right?! But hey, I told you that military high school was not just a fad, it’s sticking with me!”

“Yeah, and _I_ got stuck with Amber and Ashley once again. When you get back can you, like, lend me a flamethrower? I wanna burn their eyebrows off.”

“Can’t promise you anything but I’ll try!” she laughs, then turns to Oliver “And you, Oliver? Y’ain’t saying anything?”

“Ah, you know, just…Try to be cool, be careful, call us to tell us about your missions, make friends…” he fakes a casual tone, then his eyes start filling with tears “Don’t forget about us…”

“Oliver—”

“AAAAAHHH!” he hugs her knees, crying out loud “DON’T GO!”

“Dude, come on!” Jackson pulls him up by his shirt “Man up!”

“I’m fine,” Oliver sniffles, nodding and giving thumbs up “I’m fine.”

Everyone chuckles, then Jackson lets out an awkward laugh, trying to articulate something without showing affection.

“Heh. Miley, by the way…Be careful, sis. I need someone to pick on!” he actually allows himself to smile at her “You know it’s just not fun without you…I’m gonna miss you.”

Miley responds with a hug “I’m gonna miss you too.”

“Well…” Robby Ray gets closer to his daughter, lovingly patting her head as he pulls her aside “It’s time to go, honey. You know I’ve being saying this since they picked you, but—”

Miley rolls her eyes, reciting the obligatory worried father blather by heart.

“Be careful, don’t spend time on your cellphone if they tell you not to, don’t embarrass the family talking about Jackson or Uncle Earl, yadda yadda.”

“That too.” he chuckles “Listen…It’s not gonna be easy but I will always be by your side; Jackson and your friends too. You will always have our love and support, never forget that.”

She smiles at him “Thanks, dad.”

“Also, mom is watching over you and she will always protect you. She is proud of you, we all are, okay?”

“Okay.”

They exchange a long hug and he kisses Miley’s forehead.

“Now go. Call me when you’re on the spaceship.”

“Yes, dad.”

“Also when you get in your dorm.”

“Yes—”

“And don’t forget to study!”

“But daddy! I’m a secret agent now!”

“Hey, you’re the one that wanted the best of both worlds!”

Miley waves at her friends and family as she boards the plane, then proceeds to look at the world beneath her as it starts flying. She also gazes down at Earth while she later is flying in space, smiling as she looks forward to get to the Mother Of Invention, the base for Project Freelancer.

“This. Is. So…COOL!”

Miley is ecstatic to say the least about finding herself on the Mother Of Invention. She starts happily exploring the ship, taking her phone with her to vlog the event:

“Hello, world! My name is Miley Stewart, I like listening to music and hanging out with my friends, and I have tons of homework to do. I’m a regular girl like everyone else, but I have a secret: after one year of military high school, a program named Project Freelancer picked me to be one of their super badass soldiers! I’ve just arrived to replace a former agent and people at the entrance gave me my armour immediately, it was ready for the occasion and look! It’s hot pink, just like the clothes Aunt Dolly bought me! I hope to meet lots of cute boys in here. Everyone has a codename, the theme is the USA, and my codename is—”

“AYGEUHNT MUHNTAENA!” the Director scolds her, yelling at her in his thick accent.

“Oh, hi!” she turns with the phone still in hand, actually trying to include him in the frame “You must be the principal.”

“…Yuh myeen tha diyeeraektuh.”

“Gotcha! Are you from the south too? The accent seems familiar, I—” she gasps as he not only snatches her phone off her hand, he directly flings it into outer space through some newfangled garbage disposal tube built in a metal wall.

“Nevah, EVAH trah tuh vlawg anye aw whawtz haeppunin’ heah!”

“Why not?”

“BECAWZ THIES IZ UH TAWP SYEECRIT PROUGREM, GAWDDAYUMMET! NOWON MUHST KNO WHAWT WEEUHR AHP TUH AET ANYE MOUMINT!”

“Oh. Sorry, sir.”

“Fahnuhlley sum ryeespaekt!”

“Sir.” the Counselor walks in the hallway as well “The team is pinned down but has successfully brought the position transmitter in the enemy facility.”

“Fuhck et, juhst blo tha gawddayum billdin’ uhp awlreadye.”

“On it, sir.” he nods as he stars walking away.

“…But wouldn’t people notice if y’all blow up the building?” Miley looks genuinely puzzled.

“Shuht uhp, nobudy aeskd y—Hol’ uhp.” the Director grabs the Counselor by an arm “Whah duz thies aygeuhnt louhk so... Yoothfuhl?”

“It’s probably the naïve demeanor due to her current lack of distrust brought by significant trauma, sir.”

“Nah, yeetz nawt dat, muhst byee sumfin aeltz—Wayt…Ahr ya duhmpstuh dahvyen’ fo’ aygeuhntz yin schoolz uhgaen?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No, Ah _haev_ tuh woarrie!” he starts whispering “Thaer ez aebsoloutley no waye thies iz leegul.”

“I’m sorry, Director, but I fail to see your point.” The Counselor whispers back “Your latest idea too does have some…Criminal undertones.”

“Ah thawght ya lahked dat ahdeuh.”

“I do.”

“Yah kno, splyedin’ thah Awlphuh Ay-Ah.”

“Yes—”

“Wyeth toarchur—”

“I do, but please let’s not discuss this in front of her.”

“So shie_ iz_ uh chahl’, daet ez whatchier sayin’?”

“That is beyond the point, the important is that both her and I are ready to follow orders.”

“So yer en?”

“Of course, sir, I am always in. Are _you_ in regarding this recruitment?”

“Ahr ya cawllin’ myee uh cahwuhd, Cownseuhlauh?!”

“Not at all, sir—”

“Byeecuz daetz whut et sahndz lahk. Yiffya thank Ah dunt haev gutztuh hahyiauh heuh, thaen yu do nawt haev aenye ahdeuh—”

Miley interrupts them with a laugh.

“What are y’all yammering about?”

“NUTHIN’! DIZMYESSED!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…Yiffya nyeed uh chieuhldrun equievalunt, daet woud byee lahk…Gou baeck tuh yo’ room, or sumfin’.”

“I can have my own room?” her eyes sparkle with happiness “Without bunk beds to share?”

“Yuh, whawtevuh, aez lawng aezyou shuht u-- ”

“HECK YEAH!” she runs out of sight “THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…Cownseuhlauh?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Dyeed Ah juhst uhllah uh hah schoolauh yin uh myeeletarye prougrem?”

“Indeed.”

“…Shie’s juhst goin' tuh maezz uhp tha dahnaemyek wyeuhth awthuh aygeuhnts, yisunt shie?”

“I wouldn’t worry much about that,” the Counselor shrugs “all the other agents act like high schoolers anyway.”

“Eh, faer enuf. Shiez gawnuh fet en juhst fahn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder: In the fourth episode of season 14, it's been revealed that Agent Montana was on the list of freelancers to replace Florida in Blood Gulch...
> 
> I'm just gonna let you ponder over this.


End file.
